Here’s Pie In Your Face

This was no ordinary bog standard custard pie. It was a meringue. Lemon meringue to be precise. Clearly the (pie)pretator put some thought and effort into the face pieing of the Chief Executive of Qantas earlier in the week.

Apparently the assailant was unhappy about the CE’s support for same sex marriage, which is not yet legal in Australia. I wonder if he knew that a pie in the face was considered suitable punishment for taking liberties with women back in the early 1900’s ? The CE intends to pursue the matter in the courts – the pie matter, that is.

During the French Presedential election, Marine Le Penn was hit by an egg. Not a whole pie – just one egg. Perhaps in France, un eouf is enough ?

In New Zealand, where same sex marriage is legal, our Economic Development Minister was hit in the face with a dildo. Clearly our protestors are not confident in the kitchen. He does not intend to pursue and it’s not clear what the charge would be anyway. Assault maybe, and possibly something related to the battery ?

Non consensual pieing is in fact a criminal offence. One of my childhood heroes was a fox called Basil Brush. He had his own tv show and was famous for telling bad jokes and pronouncing “boom boom,” after the punchline was delivered. There then often followed a pie in the face for a guest or a small child. Did Basil know this was illegal at the time ? Should there be an enquiry ?

Lucky for Basil that hunting foxes and having dogs pursue them through the countryside before ripping them apart is currently banned in the UK. Boom boom.

So you can’t pie someone, even for a laugh or ride around in a Rupert the Bear outfit blowing your horn and killing  Basil’s mates. There’s a silver lining though – pursuing  politicians and hitting them with sex toys is just fine in Middle Earth.

© Ash Cheyne 2017

Daily Word Challenge – Pursue.

Lifestyle Block

It’s only temporary; this block thing. I’ll think of something clever soon. Something good enough to post that will make people smile and hit the like button. Or even comment. That’ll be nice.

It’s a long drive on the winding mountain road and the rain is coming down heavy now, like my mood. I’m not sure why we bought the place. A lifestyle block with a couple of olive trees and some apricot ones that we chop down every couple of winters for fine smelling firewood. By the beach with a nice view of the city; miles away. Another world.

Inspiration he cries and I reach into the back for some paper; rummaging amongst the dog eared books and running shoes and a nearly empty bottle of vodka. There it is. Now I just need a pen because they’ll like this. In the glove box. I turn up the radio and hear a loud bang and suddenly feel very cold.

Green lights. Red lights. Traffic blocked in both directions. Lots of yellow jackets with POLICE on the back. I watch myself being cut out of my car by firemen as the motor cyclist, still encased in a helmet, slides silently into the back of an ambulance. The truck driver wanders around in circles throwing his arms in the air; in shock.

I tap the pen in my hand, unable to remember what I was going to write down. Perhaps that life is temporary.

© Ash Cheyne 2017

 

 

 

Northern Girl

She’s not what

you’d call bitter

Twisted maybe

and still

insists on the best gin

with a dash of lemon

no ice

Just stirred

Used to be a dancer

you go, go girl

He doesn’t care

any more

She doesn’t drink

any more

any less

She sees her

with her dog

in her house

on the street

The one that made her

feel two out of ten

most days

Should come into the salon

for a cut

Not bitter

just twisted

 

© Ash Cheyne 2017

 

 

 

 

Pretty Black & White

Alex is a perfectionist. Always searching for that dream shot that will grace the cover of a magazine like National Geographic and secure her place with the best in the business. It’s going to be today as she sets out with all the gear she needs. Just a few essentials in a day pack and maybe one or two tricks in the side pockets.

The adrenalin and the mountain air make here feel a little light headed. She has worked out the perfect spot and she’s closing in on it. It is taking longer than she expected though and she’s beginning to wish she had brought more food. Maybe a bigger water bottle. That would have just made her pack heavier, surely.

The wind is picking up and the temperature is starting to drop a little. She’d read that that can happen here but it is only Autumn so she should be fine. The slow swirling  cloud and low sun provide just the drama she is looking for and she’s happy with the results. At last.

As she starts to head back down, that low sun starts to rapidly disappear behind the mountains. It is cold now and her rain jacket provides little protection against the biting wind. The rocks on the way down seem harder to navigate than on the way up, especially with the wrong footwear. She slips more than once and starts to panic when she rolls her ankle on a tree root.

What she would give right now to be able to walk in a straight line without wincing every time she plants her foot on the ground. Tears come amid spots of rain as she thumps herself down on a grass bank.

Was it worth it she muses ? Unlike her shots she is seriously over exposed and if she needs rescuing it will come with a good telling off. Rescue ? She’s not told anyone she’s here and her phone has no connection. She considers the worst.

Alex is 7 and wants to be a photographer, like her Dad. He never goes unprepared, she thinks to herself. Alex smiles as she turns away from the Ansel Adams in the hallway.

©   Ash Cheyne 2017

Daily Word Prompt Challenge – Exposed

 

 

 

Surf Angel

I am standing in knee high water, between the flags, talking to Adam. He points out to me that the sea bed not far from where we stand, falls sharply like a cliff. Despite Adam being a marine biologist, I am sceptical so I point my toe out to test his assertion.

Suddenly Adam is very small and the beach seems miles away. I swim a little and get dragged out by the rip a bit more. My mouth fills with salty water and my breathing gets harder. I wave my arms desperately but that only serves to drag me under.

I didn’t think it would be like this. Without warning and on my birthday too. The others will be upset and the party will probably be cancelled. I feel strangely guilty about that but decide I should depart with dignity.

I float for a bit and it feels oddly relaxing; my last couple of minutes. Then as if to disturb my peace a surfer with blonde dreadlocks parks up next to me and asks if I need a ride. I hang on to his board and we wait for a big wave to push us in to shore.

As we face each other in the shallows, he tells me that I shouldn’t have panicked as that is what could have killed me. We shake hands like a couple of gents and he takes off. I don’t even think to ask his name.

Back on dry land I’m a little cold with the shock and release an extraordinary amount of warm salty sea water from my nose. I dont tell the others what happened. They probably wont believe me if I tell them God wears a wet suit sometimes.

©Ash Cheyne 2017

 

Daily Word Prompt Challenge – Panicked

The Old Man’s Beard

We all got a letter from the Council. Vicious, uncaring pigs, I thought.

He had to go, apparently. He was a nuisance and a danger to all around him they said. He could be moved on but that would be temporary at this time of year. He’d come back stronger next time and more of a problem.

Quite why his beard was the root of the problem, was beyond me. No mention of the smell or of his supermarket trolley and the ubiquitous cans of Super lager. Just the beard.

Didn’t he have any family ? Yes he does, I discovered. The Buttercups, although he was often referred to by others as the travellers joy. He’s not from round here, you see. Well, that’s often a problem in these strange days. Europe perhaps or maybe south west Asia.

In actual fact he smells of jasmine and strong lemon. He climbs very well and every day and he is tolerant of cold, wind, damp and salt.

He has to go though – Clematis vitalba. Lovely name but our bio security folks aren’t fooled by that. Whilst some other countries are stocking their arsenals and testing their weapons of mass deception, we here in New Zealand are looking after our plant life. So sorry Clematis, you can’t come around here killing our native seedlings. We’re having none of that.

©Ash Cheyne 2017

Daily Word Prompt Challenge – None

 

Diamond Geezer

It had been a long day for Mel. It was dark when he arrived at the bank and as he drove home the sun was disappearing faster than his enthusiasm. He wasn’t sure if he could keep this security lark up for much longer.

It used to be stimulating work but he was a bright guy and he’d got used to it quickly. His colleagues seemed less able than him yet he suspected they took home more than he did at the end of the day. He’d thought about leaving but it wasn’t as simple as that. He didn’t even have a resumé as such.

Wouldn’t make for very attractive reading in the recruitment stakes anyway. He’d done some big jobs all right, but he was unlikely to get a nice reference from anyone.

The boss now, well he was a piece of work. Old school attitude with a finger in every pie and not averse to breaking a few. He’d done his time inside and out and he liked Mel. Or so he said. Like the son he never had, although he did have two. Disappointment was a word he used a lot.

Mel glanced over to the passenger seat at his tools of the trade. Just a laptop and a phone. Next to them was a small box with someone’s family jewels in it. As the lights flashed in his rear view mirror, the siren grew louder.

Pulling off the motorway at high speed he switched off the lights. The dashboard darkened. No more control. He shut his eyes and thought of his bright future.

 

©AshCheyne 2017

Daily Word Prompt Challenge – Control